Is self-love all about bubble baths and catching flights? Of course not

We live in a polarised world when it comes to self love. One side is a believer that every action should be an act of self love, while the other side believes that self love leads a person to being a self-centered egoist. The topic has sparked a lot of interest for me over the past years. 

I have found it fascinating to understand what people believe self love to be. When you open any social media app, an array of posts motivating you to love yourself first, be a boss this or that and catch flights not feelings, just pour out your screen. It got me thinking though, is self love bubble baths and spa days? Because most of the content we consume, seems to glamorise self-love and focus on the little luxuries that bring us temporary happiness. Those little nuggets of enjoyment are definitely part of the self love journey but they are nice to haves, not the essentials. It can also be said that a few of them are forms of escapism from truly facing yourself and healing.

Self love is rooted in introspection

It is far from glamorous. I must admit that sometimes it frustrates me that the internet and social media tend to glamorise self-love. In my opinion this sets the wrong expectation of what healing looks like. At the end of the day if our bodies are hurt and need to heal, there is nothing glamorous about a wound that starts closing up and the stages it goes through. Sometimes it even scars, a scar we carry with us until the end. So why would emotional healing be any different?

Taking time to get to know yourself and welcoming what some would call the shadow side takes time, effort and a lot of alone time. It takes alone time because we are keeping that part of ourselves in the shadows even from ourselves, so it will be difficult to start working through it in a very public manner don’t you think so? The path to truly loving oneself, passes through getting to know said self first. Because how can you love someone you do not even know? This may sound far fetched - how can you not know yourself after spending your entire life with you? The fact that we have ‘been’ ourselves since day 1, does not mean we have taken the time to peer through all of our layers, acknowledge them and welcome them. Most people have layers and layers of hidden emotions, trauma and denial. Why is that? From a young age the world demands perfection of us. As a result of those high expectations, we tend to bury anything that resembles a flaw, however big or small. Being human, means that aside from the facade we showcase to the world, there are pieces of us we are afraid to shine the light on. We are afraid to feel the emotions they will bring up - the wounds, the fear, the grief, the anger, the resentment. We want to consider those, traits of our ‘shadow’ self.

What is the shadow self?

We all live in polarity - good and evil, dark and light, happy and sad. The shadow self is the opposite of the self, we portray to the world and sometimes to ourselves on a day to day basis. The self that is hidden, not acknowledged, not allowed to rear its head in the light because we fear it. We fear the emotions it brings in us, we fear how it paints us to the world, we fear it will break our carefully curated image and the world we see us for who we truly are. We fear that by allowing our shadows to emerge in the light, we have to acknowledge them. That process may hurt us, or at least lead Bob the neighbour to like us less. We all have a shadow self - every, single, one of us.

However, we also need to think of what happens when we shine the light on the shadows - they disappear. Our shadow is not something separate to us, it lives and coexists with us second after second. It is there irrespective if we like it or not. One day it will come out, with or without our help. The more we allow a process of self realisation to happen consciously, the more structured the path to loving ourselves will be. The moment we allow ourselves to sit with the unpleasant emotions and thoughts, they start to transform. They become compassion, a kind inner dialogue, bravery, acceptance and gratitude. 

The biggest act of self love

In my practice, the biggest act of self love is allowing those parts of yourself to see the light of day. Do not fear them, do not be embarrassed of them. Welcome them. Each bit is a part of who we are, it has played a role in walking our path and the way we tell our story. A person will never be able to practice true self love and care without acknowledging the shadowy side. We need to drop the narrative that we have to be perfect, in order to be loved. Being human is messy. Being human is a range of emotions and experiences, some of them not pretty at all. That does not mean we deserve less love and care.

We have to step away from the narrative that self love is all about cute hats, coffees with hearts, flower markets and bubble baths. Going on your self love journey can feel lonely at times. Healing can be painful. Grief can be overwhelmingly isolating. Anger and rage can be destructive to the soul. However, by letting those emotions come to the surface, by acknowledging them and allowing them to show you which part of you needs true looking after, you alchemize yourself. You will wake up one day, look in the mirror and see the real you. The you, made up of all the pieces together. Each one playing a role in who you truly are, carefully creating the person who stands in front of you. This is the day where you get to love and care for yourself authentically. You recognise the parts that need a little more space, a little more kindness. By embracing those, you get to know the most important person of all - you. You get to know what helps you look after yourself in a meaningful way. 

Now you can take a bubble bath.

N.B. The thoughts and reflections shared in this article are for informational and inspirational purposes only and do not constitute medical or psychological advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress, mental health challenges, or symptoms of a disorder, please seek support from a qualified healthcare professional. You're not alone—and help is always available.

For Global Mental Health support please visit United for Global Mental Health or click here.